May 18th, 2020
A few thoughts about things I’ve noticed after spending over two months almost entirely without direct human contact...
I feel like living alone and knowing that I’m not expected to hang out with anyone/not going to have people over for many more weeks because of the pandemic has somehow allowed me to let my guard down a little when it comes to my draconity.
I feel comfortable. My ph-shifts don’t feel so much like dysphoria but more just shifts that I can just kind of let be as I go about my day.
I also feel more free to express myself without that little voice in the back of my mind telling me I look stupid or whatever...I can quad-walk around the house without feeling weird about it, I can perch on my desk chair without worrying someone is going to walk in and see me doing it, and I can chirp and trill and whatever without people hearing me. I’m getting used to just sort of being me after training myself so well to repress my identity on a daily basis, and I don’t have excuses anymore for not moving and thinking and acting according to what feels natural, beyond sheer laziness (doing things your body’s not meant to do is hard!).
As I’ve detailed before, I’m inherently super closeted about my identity, even though I fully support others being 100% out about theirs (that’s kind of how I am about everything and I realize it’s probably not terribly healthy), and even if this isn’t really a permanent step in the direction of being more open and I just revert back to my old ways after we’re able to end social distancing, at least I’ve gotten a taste of freedom, and can push myself toward that as I grow and explore my identity as time goes on.