In Between

May 30, 2019

*Adapted from this Tumblr post

This is something I’ve felt for years but never had the presence of mind to put into words, until now. I've identified as as draconic for the past 20 years or so, but I've also been painfully aware that what I'm feeling is filtered through my upbringing as a human. I also realize we don't actually know what draconic behavior is, since dragons aren't exactly living here on earth. However, based on media portrayal and generally just what feels right, I have what I think are draconic traits, but they vary in strength at any given time, and what I feel is acceptable draconic behavior is most certainly viewed through a human lens. Not only that, but there are a good number of things I feel a dragon would naturally do that I highly doubt I could stomach here as a human. I may have urges to do "draconic" things, but with my human body and human senses, I don't think I could handle living solely like a dragon would, even if it were somehow physically and socially possible to do so.

Also, even though I feel urges to do non-human things, I can’t keep them up for long before I revert back to generally human behavior. Is it because these things are hard enough to do for a human that my discomfort overrides my non-human behavior, or is it because I got whatever it was out of my system and my human self has taken back over? I have no idea. Regardless, it makes me feel far more lazy and human than I’m comfortable with.

I’ve often lamented to myself that if I were ever to hang out with a group of actual dragons, that I’d be out of place because I’ve been raised as a human and likely wouldn’t know the habits or customs of an actual dragon. But, I feel out of place as a human too. I've masqueraded successfully as a human for my entire life, but that doesn't make human customs, rationality, and behavior any less foreign to me. I feel like I’m sitting uncomfortably between worlds, without a way to fully reach one or the other. I doubt this will change. I'm obviously not going to be able to find a dragon to adopt me and teach me their ways, nor can I simply drop my non-humanity. It's an integral part of me, and identities cannot be dropped at will.